Dec 30, 2008

Nothing

My mind is empty. I have no thought to write about. Even as I write this sentence, I scan my mind for any thoughts I can write about. The second sentence had no meaning, neither did the third one. As I think about the first word of sixth sentence, I realize this is the fifth sentence. Or is this the 7th? I will not count. No, I will not. How many sentences have I written? No, I will not count. Obviously, what I think is not what I write. I scan my mind for something meaningful. I find nothing. I will stop writing. I shouldn't be writing without thinking. I can't think. What I think is not what I write. I will stop writing. Is there a point thinking? Is there a point writing? Should I stop? Even as I write the first word of this sentence, I scan my mind and find nothing. Should I stop scanning? Is there a point. What I think is not what I do. I will stop writing. I realize I have said this many times. This time I really mean it. What was I thinking when I wrote all this? I will stop thinking. I can't. I can stop writing. Yes, I really can. I will write two more sentences. Don't count this. Please don't count this one too. Start counting now. Did you count the previous one? Please don't. I will stop writing. What I think is not what I do. What I write is not what I do. I realize that. Are you counting? Please stop for a while. What was I thinking? Please count the previous line. Please don't count this. I finally stop writing. Did you read completely? Yes? No? It is okay. Are you reading this sentence? Yes? No? It is okay. Do you want to read the last sentence? Previous one was the last sentence. Yeah, the previous one. I stop writing. Did you read the last sentence? Yes? No? It is okay. I can't stop thinking. I can stop writing. Yeah, I can. I will stop. Previous one was the last sentence. Stop counting. I stop writing. Even after I said I stopped, I had to type a full stop. Yes, a full stop, like this one -> .

Dec 27, 2008

ಕಳಚಿ ಬಿಡು

ಬಣ್ಣ ಬಣ್ಣದನಿನ್ನ ಮುಖವಾಡ
ಕಳಚಿ ಬಿಡು,
ಎಸೆದು ಬಿಡು,
ಬಣ್ಣವಷ್ಟೆ ಕಾಣುತ್ತಿದೆ ನನಗೆ,
ನಿನ್ನ ಕಂಗಳು ಕಾಣುತ್ತಿಲ್ಲ,
ಕಂಗಳು ಕಾಣದಿದ್ದರೆ
ನನಗೆ ಮಾತು ಹೊರಡುವುದಿಲ್ಲ!














ನೀನು ಎಸೆದ ಬಳಿಕ
ನನ್ನ ಕಣ್ಣನ್ನೊಮ್ಮೆ ನೋಡು,
ಕಾಣದಿದ್ದರೆ ಹೇಳು,
ನನ್ನ ಬಣ್ಣ ಕಳೆಯಲು
ಸ್ವಲ್ಪ ಸಹಾಯ ಮಾಡು,
ಮತ್ತೆ ಮಾತಾಡೋಣ
ಜೊತೆಗೆ ಕುಳಿತು ನಾವು,
ನಾನು ನಾನಾಗಿ,
ನೀನು ನೀನಾಗಿ!

Dec 25, 2008

ಕೊನೆಗುಳಿದದ್ದು ...

ಕೊನೆಗೊಮ್ಮೆ
ಎಲ್ಲ ಮಣ್ಣಾಯಿತು,
ಮಹಾ ಸಾಮ್ರಾಜ್ಯ ನೆಲಕ್ಕುರುಳಿತು,
ಕೋಟೆ ಕೊತ್ತಲ ನೆಲ ಸಮ.

ವಿಶ್ವ ಸುಂದರಿಗೂ
ಮುಪ್ಪಡರಿತು,
ಚಿರ ಸೌಂದರ್ಯದ
ಕನಸು ಭಗ್ನ.

ಸರ್ವಾಧಿಕಾರ
ಮಣ್ಣು ಮುಕ್ಕಿತು,
ಭವ್ಯ ಕಟ್ಟಡ
ಉರಿದು ಭಸ್ಮ.

ಆಗಲೂ ಉಳಿದದ್ದು,
ಅಳಿಯದೆ ನಿಂತದ್ದು,
ನಾನೆಂಬ ಮಮಕಾರ,
ಮನುಕುಲದ ಅಹಂಕಾರ!

Dec 13, 2008

A weekend @ Office

It had been 3 days since Siddharth (Sid) joined his new job in an IT firm. He had joined on a Wednseday. The manager had then told, "We work from 9 to 5. We don't stay back nor do we work in weekends." Sid was happy, naturally, thinking that his search for a peaceful life has finally got 1 meaningful search result.

Presently, he was in his friends place. He had been there to discuss the following :
1. American recession.
2. Secure future.
3. Laaaatest technologies.
4. Mallika Sherawat.
5. New Bollywood movie DVDs (pirated).

When the discussion was about to commence, the clock struck 3. Sid's phone rings. It was his manager's call.

Sid: Hello..

Manager : Siddharth, where are you?

Sid (Feeling guilty for wasting time with his friends) : I am at my friend's place, I mean, Madiwala, I mean, near the gutter, the dead end after the temple, I came here now only. I mean to say, I came to meet my friends.

Manager : Oh, is it..? Look, I want you to do me a favour. We are in a fix. Can you go to office immediately? There is an S1 issue raised on Production system, which has been escalated to the CEO of ******* (name withheld).

Sid : I mean...

Manager : Ok, thank you. See you on Monday.

Sid : I mean...

Thus he agreed to go to office on his first weekend in the new job. He left his friend's place, as the friends and friend's friends and their friends spit Sanskrit words describing his lineage. Feeling bad about the manager calling a developer, when it was the developer's responsibility to make sure that the Production System was ready for a perfect weekend, Sid boards a BMTC bus towards his office.

To Sid's surprise, about 20 people (damp due to perspiration) were already present at office. On checking with the admin, he came to know that the ACs would be switched off on non working (underline that word, if you want a pun)days, as a measure to cut costs, after the recent recession. Sid sat in front of his system, perspiring. He then called the onsite coordinator, on which, he learnt that there was a probem in the Production system. It simply refused to process one important insurance proposal. The insured of this particular insurance proposal happened to be a close relative of the CEO of the client organization, *******(name withheld) Insurance Company. In fact, he was the CEO's wife's brother's father's second son's sister's husband's third wife's fresh new boy friend. Being such a close relative of the CEO, Sid understood the reason for panic. And being a Severity 1 issue, the issue had to be resolved at the earliest. In fact, it is mentioned in the S.L.A., that the isue has to be resolved even before the isue is raised, when the issue that is being raised is of severity 1. This was 267890 a ammendment in S.L.A.

After getting all these invaluable inputs from the onsite coordinator about the nature of the issue and of the colossal damage it might result in, if left unresolved, Sid sat staring the monitor, feeling damn lonely, with 20 other people, all perspiring.

Sid opened the developer environment, hoping to debug the code, going through the developer comments. As a general observation, he had seen that dogs urinate on upright objects, just as a territorial display. For some odd reasons, he feels that the developer comments are of the same nature. A developer, instead of urinating (due to the obvious limitations it has), adds a comment, wherever found unnecessary. He has seen that in some organizations, there are standards set for code comments. Dogs walk near the lamp post and lift their legs after perceiving the odour on the lamp post. This seems to be the standard procedure. Whatever.

Going through the developer comments, Sid finds some interesting ones, where the developers have vented their anger, frustration and personal thoughts.

Example #1 :
/* Modified on 18th Dec, 2005, Sunday :-(
What am I doing here on a sunday! I mean, I had to meet my g.f. today. I had booked for 'main hoon naa'. Shah Rukh Khan, come for my rescue, please.... */

Sid wiped his tears and moved ahead.

Example#2:
/* Added on 17th Nov, 2006.
We faced a lot of problems during the server installation. The manager Mr ******(first name) ********(mid name) *******(last name) (all 3 names withheld) helped a lot during this period. I particularly remember an incident, where he got 4 automobile mechanics to help us in the installation process. He is so sweet, I mean, it is really touching. */

Sid instantly started respecting the manager Mr ******(first name) ********(mid name) *******(last name) (all 3 names withheld). But, it also made him feel bad for not having such a relationship with his own manager. Phone rings. Manager's phone again.

Sid : Hello...

Manager : Siddharth, you at office?

Sid : Yeah, I am in office only.

Manager : You were able to find the issue?

Sid : I am checking. No success so far.

Manager : What is the exact issue?

Sid : There is a system error during processing one of the CEO's closest relative's case. The error goes something like - The called function seems to be not in good terms with the support staff. Seems like there were no code lines/developer comments added since 3 months. - And at the end, it says, at line 33,66,456. I googled on this error and all the technical articles suggest that this is due to the functions getting bored about being executed again and again, in multiple sessions, decreasing the moral boost and increasing the guilt.

Manager : Hey, this is not rocket science. You can fix it. Try harder. When I used to code (back in 1840's), I had faced similar issues. I particulary remember my quick fix for any problem, changing the font size always worked for me.

Sid (*%%#??) : Hhhhow wwwwill ccchanging the ffffont ssssize hhhhelp? I mean to say, it is same only, there is no change.

Manager : Do it. I will call you later. I have to take my daughter to a doctor. She has a running nose. In fact, it is running so fast that it disappears every 10 minutes.

Sid : Ok, no issues. Take care of you daughter's running nose. I have a suggestion, tying a hand kerchief to the nose makes it difficult for the nose to run. Or try holding it tightly.
Manager : Hey, thanks man, seems logical. Brilliant!
(click)

Sid took a remote connection of the production server and as suggested by the manager, changed the font size. He called the onsite coordinator.

Sid : Please ask the user to retry. It is working in my system.

Coordinator : Be online... (After 3 minutes) Same error. You want the screen shot?

Sid : 1 sec.... Oh, shit! I got it!

Coordinator : What ? You got shit in code?

Sid : No. I got the issue. It has been a long time since we did any routine beautification on this function.

While saying this, Sid was staring at the developer comments:

/* Created on Feb 14, 2008, valentine's day
Function description : Used to get the date on which the insured last trimmed his moustache. The business logic is as suggested by the BAs. It takes into account, the rate at which the insured's moustache grows and the current size and a standard size of the moustache when left untrimmed. These parameters vary from insured to insured and hence this function to calculate the date on which the insured last trimmed his moustache.

Additional notes : By the very nature of the function, it requires a trimming every 2 weeks. This has been mentioned in the KT and support documets prepared, for future reference. Perform one of the following 5 actions every 15 days:

1. Left indentation : A Fu Manchu mustache is a full mustache that extends downward past the lips and on either side of the chin. Often, the ends of the mustache will hang past the jaw, with pointed or tapered ends. The Fu Manchu is similar to the more common horseshoe (or "biker") moustache.

The Fu Manchu was named after the fictional character of the same name, who was often depicted with such a style of mustache on film. A creation of English author Sax Rohmer, the character did not have a mustache in the original novels. The infamous facial hair first appeared in the British serial The Mystery of Dr. Fu Manchu, in 1923. Fu Manchus are seen in stereotypical depictions of Chinese villains in film and television. There is some debate as to whether the plural form of Fu Manchu is Fus Manchu or Fu Manchus.

The above lines explain why left indentation works.

2. Goto line #1. Press enter. then press backspace. Since the function is being called only for male insureds and since doing and undoing an action normally results in a moral boost and reduced guilt in a male, this works. I haven't understood the logic yet, nevertheless, it worked in all 3 environments, when tested by users. (Though we never bothered to check how it worked)

3. Ctrl A, press tab. Then press shift tab. Repeat thrice, if in morning (IST), 6 times, if in afternoon (IST again). Basically, I agree that I haven't understood this logic either. But, I guess, this gives the feeling of being pushed and pulled back, and thus removing the inertia, just the way it works when you shake a sleeping developer. I have googled enough on this topic and have found that this has to do with software aging (an interesting topic, actually). Also, one of the articles suggested that this might have to do with hobbies of the developer, hobbies like belly dancing. Shakira Shakira!

4. However, moving on, 4th method is as follows : Ctrl A, ctrl X, paste the code (i.e., approximately 60 Kb of code) to a notepad. Note that the original function is now empty, like an empty pizza box. NOw, press F5 for refresh. For some reason, the compiler doesn't notice anything for 10 minutes. And finally, when it realizes that the function is empty, it throws the following error: An object which was supposed to be here, and was very much here when I went to sleep, has vanished.

Now, copy back the code from notepad (approximately 54 KB, because Bill Gates, I mean MS says that is the maximum size a notepad file can handle) to the IDE window. F5 to refresh. Compiler gives a success message : Got it back! My God! Let me take a nap, it was too much of tension!

Now, again, there are no logical explanations for this. But, then, from years of experience, I have found that this has something to do with the joy you get when you lose something and get it back. eg: when you piss your g.f. off by sleeping in theatres and she leaves you. and she comes back when SRK releases his next movie. (Coincidentally, that is when you had saved enough money to buy a large size pizza)

5. This is the last way out. Ctrl A, press del. This leaves the function blank. Now, add the following line:

getLastDateWhenThis GuyTrimmedHisMoustacheThatIsWithScissors()

This will return the current date by default. That means that the date on which the insured last trimmed his moustache will be taken as the current date. Since this information will not affect anything during the life time of the insured and will be checked only during the death claim, you have approximately 70 years with you.

Assumptions:
a. This is a whole life policy.
b. Insured age of ~ 30 years.
c. Insured will have a natural death i.e., in office, while staring at either his boss or the young lady in the other part of the floor or the monitor.

But with increasing terror attacks, you can never be sure of anything. Hence, after doing this particular change, and asking the user to retry and making sure that he sends an appreciation mail, call up your manager and ask for an immediate release. He would ask for reasons, just say, "Because I am asking for it."
Now, that one works always. I picked this one fom a great self-help book "How to make enemies and alienate people".
I have also seen it working in a bollywood movie, I don't remember the name, though. So, if it works for 6 pack abs, it should work for rest of the mass also.

Hey, that reminds me of 3 good tips from the self-help book I just mentioned:

a. When you get a mind block, increase the size of your trousers, like 32 from 30, 34 from 32 etc. It worked for me, these days, I don't have any mind blocks, though I have an oversized pants of size 70 or something. I don't remember that. Time to increase the size. Whatever.

b. If you have an identity crisis, renew your passport or driving licencse or any card that connects with your identity. This one works too!

c. While in meetings, when you don't understand anything, and you can see stars, start counting them. This works because people think you are too deeply thinking to be disturbed. The count has reached 986,976,348,762,876,482,376,487. How do you read it! I attend too many meetings!

BTW, the guy from Pizza Hut is waiting for me. I have to leave. Pizzas! uuuummmm....
Happy coding, btw*/

Sid followed the 5th appraoch for the fix, since it looked logical. Phone rings.

Manager: Hoy, found the fix?

Sid : Yup.

Manager : Great! You save .......
lkfhjfwe fewuytui reywebk cfkfjhgrfjksf;aslkf riuweruewrh 76 fjdhfgfd ;odrweoiytiug blah blah blah blahldkfj ldjf dlkfld f dsoqriqeyr fndm,fn ,iu jhewlkrhsdf 8 hdfjhuwy dufye '..............................................jhafd jhgafewyri fdgfhgd ytryw kdfg iri e kfkjd f.
Thanks. I will consider this during the hike, in the next century.

Sid : i had one important..

Manager : We will talk on Monday.

Sid: I mean to say, I want an immediate release from this project.

Manager : Huh? Ho hoy, Why?

Sid : That was part of the fix suggested by the developer.

Manager : ?????

Dec 12, 2008

ನೀನಿಲ್ಲದ ಆಫೀಸು

ನೀನಿಲ್ಲದ officeಉ,
ಗೊಂಬೆಯಿಲ್ಲದ show-caseಉ,
ಖಾಲಿ ಖಾಲಿ flower vaseಉ!

ಕೂಗಾಡೋ boss ಉ,
ನೂರೆಂಟು case ಉ,
situation hopelessಉ,
ನೋಡ್ಬೇಕು ನಿನ್ faceಉ,
ನೀ ಬಂದ್ರೆ ನಾ passಉ!

ನಿನ್ ಮೇಲೆ ನನ್ನೆಲ್ಲ hopesಉ,
ನನ್ lifeಗೆ ನೀನೆ baseಉ,
ನನ್ heartಗೆ ನೀನೆ bossಉ,
ನೋಡ್ಬೇಕು ನಿನ್ faceಉ,
please ಉ, pleaseಉ, pleaseಉ
ಬೇಗ ಬಾ ವಾಪಾಸು!